"My dad thought it a good idea for me to work in the fiberglass department at Chris craft, but luckily I came down with Mono"

"I didn't see anything in your rules about cigars and tacos"

"In 1997 I got kicked out of the Denver Zoo for feeding bubble gum to the monkeys"

"Good thing you didn't propose to me at the Alligator Farm."

"Elijah had to move from the long bus to the short bus"

"Bob, come up here to the bow and get some wind between your legs"

"I know what side my bread is buttered on"

"Water isn't wet... Google it."

"I'm not drunk. I'm just stupid."

"If we die, can we have your desk?"

"You must be a great captain. I'd be sh#tting my pants right now docking in the dark."

"Remember when my cockatoo burned its tail feathers on the Foreman Grill?"

"My behavior is within the parameters of normalcy"

"I'd have to work a long time at Chick-fil-A to afford that boat!"

"Its old.. like when Christ was a Cowboy".

"S.H.I.T. - Store High In Transit"

"It's like a sore weenie. You can't beat this!"

"Sailing with you is cheaper then shopping at TJ Max."

"Nothing beats finding a rhino by yourself."

Enjoying this? "Does Raggedy Ann have cotton tits?"

"My kids are lucky....they all have eyebrows."

"I can't even blow up a balloon at the nursing home."

"I never want to watch a sunset on the beach again with those schmucks."

"...tastes like a greyhound......might be my toothpaste."

"Are you gonna Jib me?"

"I'm so salty....I wish I had a margarita so I could lick myself."

"Don't worry... If we run out of beer I've got plenty of vodka."

"Capt Dan... I don't want to worry you but I think there is a plane landing and its coming right at us." - (It was actually a shrimp boat with lights on at night)

"Capt Dan... Is there a special hand wave that you give to other boaters?"

"Capt Dan... Can we ski off the back of the sailboat?"

"What is the procedure if we get attacked by pirates?"

"My daddy says that if we fall overboard, swim for the Pink Shell Hotel." -twin 6 yr olds

"Nothing to worry about, I gave it a courtesy pump. Give it about 10 minutes though" (After using the head)

"Do I still have to wear this when I'm at the bar?" L from Minnesota (After just getting engaged aboard Star of Orion! After the dirty looks, she explained it was because of the free drinks.)

"I got attacked by an alligator today."

"I brought my gun, but I decided to leave it in the car."

"Say hello to my little friend!"

"I played the accordion, not with my lips but my hands."

"I called the sheep in so you have something to do tonight."

"My friend got bit by a monkey and had to get a lawyer."

"I used to play the trombone, but I lost all my jizz."

"I checked out militarysingles.com for a man. Military guys have great benefits."

"This is awesome! This must be how a dog feels the first time it rides in the car."

"I got to blow my nose so bad. Feels like there are shrimp in there"

"Are you excited about the possibility of affordable space travel?"

"The last time I calibrated my sausage, my wife slapped me."

"Years ago, we spent the night at anchor in Pelican Bay. Good news was that we got the last pregnancy test on Gasparilla Island."

"A grand old bird is a pelican. His beak can hold more than his belly-can. He can hold food in his beak to last him a week and I don't see how in the hell-he-can."

"This boat confuses me. I want one that goes straight."

"Oh sh*t....my tattoo came off on your boat!"

"This is great. Next time, I'm putting on my Jackie O glasses and a scarf around my head to let people know we are living the good life"

"I don't know if I can blow your conch....I've got a bad gag reflex."

"When you get older you learn to drink with your hands and drive with your feet"